Abby Nadeau
Staff Writer

Four months ago Jennifer Silvera lost the love of her life, her husband Shawn. She is now being forced to redefine the normal that was taken away from her on September 6, 2005.

Shawn Silvera worked as a Lino Lakes Police Officer when he was killed by a fugitive in a high speed chase. Shawn went to set out stop sticks when Steven Stanke, 34, of South Dakota, struck and killed Shawn on southbound I-35W in Lino Lakes.

The Silveras

Jennifer and Shawn lived a life that most people can only dream of. The couple met in high school, went their separate ways through college, but got back together and were married in May of 2000.

They were able to follow their dreams and travel to Honduras in the Peace Corps and returned pregnant.

They have two children, Jordan, 2 and Madalynn, 8 months.

Beyond the life they lived with their family, the two lived for each other and the future.

ìShawn and I always believed we needed to invest in each other,î Jennifer said. ìWe had this theory that if we were strong together as a couple it would be the number one benefit for our children.î

Jennifer and Shawn knew the kind of love they had was a gift. It was such a precious gift that Jennifer once questioned if it was too good to be true.

The couple knew that what they had together was greater than they were. Jennifer and Shawn looked to their faith in God to show them the purpose for their lives.

Keeping her faith

Now, it is the undying faith in God that is keeping Jennifer searching for their purpose, even without Shawn.

ìWe thought God had a plan for us and maybe the plan hasnít changed, even though Shawn is gone,î Jennifer said. ìNow there is a whole new idea that God is still working our purpose through this and that some people, might say it is without Shawn, but it is with him. I think the plan is just so much bigger than what I had imagined.î

Writing as Therapy

Although her faith in God has not wavered, Jennifer has sought additional ways to deal with her grief.

ìOne thing that a counselor I saw said was ëtalk, talk, talk about Shawn to anyone who will listen,íî Jennifer said. ìIn this whole process of grieving that is one of my favorite things to do, is to talk about Shawn. Iíve just found that I love to talk about him.î

The talking then led to writing about Shawn, to Shawn and just writing about how she was feeling. Jennifer now has an online site where she can post her writings.

ìI use writing as a homework assignment,î stated Jennifer. ìIf I felt people were reading them or if I knew someone is reading them, I feel like I am helping.î

Jenniferís writings are not only helping herself, but others as well.

ìItís amazing, I hear from friends and strangers. Some people just feel the pain so deeply, even if they are not connected at all to what has happened to me,î Jennifer said. ìSome people offer their condolence, but they often let me know that Iím going to be ok.î

Jennifer said that she has been told many times that time will heal her. Time has been a recent topic on her online writings.

ìI am dealing with this idea of time,î Jennifer said. ìPeople say time will heal, but I canít imagine waking up one day and saying this is easier. Although time passes and there is more acceptance, I have not found that it gets easier. It just seeps in, it sinks in further each day. Tolerating it. I donít say oh this is easier today, time has passed - no, I decide Iím going to tolerate this today.î

Grieving

While writing has helped Jennifer realize her grief, she is not ready to let go of it.

ìIt is such a raw form of pain-yet that is where I am connecting with Shawn,î Jennifer said. ìI donít want to lose that feeling. I donít want to have normal without him.î

Finding how to deal with her grief has helped not only Jennifer, but the two young children she has.

ìThe form of grieving I see in her [Madalynn] is that up until she was five months, she slept through the night,î stated Jennifer. ìAfter the accident she started waking up throughout the night and we couldnít figure it out. If she was hungry or teething and the pediatrician finally said ëI think this is her way of grieving.íî

Jennifer has also seen the ways in which Jordan is grieving.

ìThere was one time he was going into our bedroom and he was looking at the pillow on our bed and he asked for dad and I said ëoh Jordan are you looking for dad?íî Jennifer said, ìand it came out as a question and that poor little body started to search for his daddy as if it was an option. He was looking in the bed, and under the bed and behind the bed and behind the pillow and just kind of looked at me and was like ëmom you asked the question and if that is an option we are going to look for him until we find him.í It just broke me.î

Dealing with her own and her childrenís grief has, at times, pushed Jennifer to utter exhaustion.

ìThe hardest part of my day is going to bed,î Jennifer said. ìFor me it starts a new cycle, whether I wake up or go to bed, he isnít there. I still sleep with two of his shirts and I am so nervous for the day when they stop smelling like him.î

The idea of bargaining for ones life is a part of the grieving process. Some people might ask to trade lives with the one they lost. For Jennifer, she bargained for one more day with Shawn, until she realized she does have a few more days with Shawn.

Remembering Shawn

Every year for Jennifer and Shawnís anniversary on May 12 the two wrote a letter to each other.

No topics were picked and no time limit was established. The two would simply write what they were feeling or thinking of that person on that particular day.

ìThe idea was to write a letter every anniversary for the next 20 years,î Jennifer said. ìThen Shawn wanted to spend the next 20 opening each set of letters on each anniversary. But I wanted to open them all at once.î

It was in this small tradition that Jennifer found that she had five more days with Shawn. She could open the letters at any time she wanted.

ìI decided to open the letter at only special times in my life,î said Jennifer. ìThe times I wanted to share with him.î

It was in Honduras that Jennifer chose to open the first letter.

In December she decided to take a break and return to the place where they started to realize their purpose in life.

ìI went down to the river, sat underneath the tree that we carved our initials in and I read the first letter,î Jennifer stated. ìIt was such a completion of what we had together. It has been a treasure to hear from him one last time.î

It wonít be hard to keep Shawn in Jordan, Madalynn and Jenniferís daily lives. He is in their dreams, in the quiet moments of the morning and in the smell of fabric. But the family is working to keep Shawn and his work in the communityís lives as well.

Currently the Shawn Silvera Memorial Fund is giving support to Jennifer and her children, but in the future Jennifer hopes to use it to help some of Shawnís projects.

ìThe [Shawn Silvera] foundation would work with projects that he had-maybe with child abuse prevention, the Peace Corps or the D.A.R.E. program,î stated Jennifer.

Jennifer also is fulfilling Shawnís wish to have everyone live life by each moment. Shawn was striving to have his and Jenniferís lives be in the present, to ìbe here now.î

In honor of his mission to have people live their lives in the present, Jennifer and Shawnís mother Bonnie are going to sell bracelets with Shawnís message on them.

ìThey will say Shawn Silvera, L.L.P.D. [Lino Lakes Police Department] 126, for his badge number and ëbe here nowí written on the outside,î Jennifer said. ìThe cost will be $1 and the proceeds will go to L.E.M.A., the Law Enforcement Memorial Association.î

When asked how she wants people to remember Shawn, Jennifer replied, ìI want them to know that he was authentic, he was real. He lived what he believed and he wasnít perfect. He was a normal everyday person but he was committed and driven and faithful.

ìI think that if people are going to remember him, the best thing they can do is take in his message. How can I incorporate this into my life,î Jennifer said.

To make a donation to the Shawn Silvera Memorial Fund or to read Jenniferís writing please visit www.shawnsilvera.org.

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